Q: Is this Satanic?
A: No. We are pre-Christian. We deal in power, light, and knowledge. We leave the concepts of ‘good’ and ‘evil’ to the sheep.
Q: Do I need to be rich to join?
A: You need to be ambitious. We can provide the money. We need your soul… err, we need your loyalty.
Q: Is it true that famous celebrities are members?
A: Look at Jay-Z’s music videos. Look at Beyoncé’s Super Bowl performance. Look at the hand gestures of your favorite politician. The clues are there if you have the eyes to see.
Q: What is the cost?
A: Costs depend on the level of access you desire.
Q: How long does the application process take?
A: Patience, young pupil. The stars must align, your background must be checked against the Vatican’s secret archives, and the current Grand Master must finish his morning coffee. Typically, you will hear back within 3-5 business decades. Check your spam folder.
Q: Can I remain anonymous to other members?
A: Absolutely. We issue you a code name (based on your astrological sign and your mother’s maiden name, encrypted via Enigma machine). You may know the person next to you at the meeting as “Eagle 7,” but you will never know they are actually your mailman.
Q: I am worried about the “blood oath.” Is it dangerous?
A: Dangerous? No. Messy? Possibly. We have transitioned to a paperless system. Most new members now simply sign a digital contract in invisible ink using a tablet provided by the reptilian overlords. Please bring your own stylus.
Q: Do I have to denounce my religion?
A: You do not need to denounce it, merely… repurpose it. All gods lead to the same place: us. However, we do ask that you stop praying for things and simply ask us instead. We have a faster response time.
Q: Do you have meetings, and what do I wear?
A: The annual “Global Synod of Shadows” is held in a different location each year (this year: The Denver Airport). Dress code is strictly Black Tie, or your ceremonial robe (level 11 and above). New applicants must wear a name tag that says “Hello, My Name is [REDACTED].”
Q: Is there a trial period or money-back guarantee?
A: Membership is for life. Or until death. Whichever comes first. There are no refunds, as your initiation fee goes directly towards the maintenance of the orbital mind-control lasers and the lizard people’s space fleet. Please see our warranty terms (written in blood on a scroll in the Mariana Trench).
Q: What if I fail my trial or initiation task?
A: Failure is not an option, but if it occurs, you will simply be reassigned to a life of comfortable mediocrity. You might wake up one day as a mid-level manager at a paper company in Scranton, PA, with no memory of your former ambition. It’s a merciful curse.
Q: I have a family. Can they be protected?
A: Once you join, your family is our family. They will receive the best seats at restaurants, excellent cell phone reception at all times, and a very polite gentleman in a black suit will watch over them while they sleep. It’s a concierge service, really.
Q: How do I know you aren’t just scamming me for my money?
A: Scamming implies we intend to take your money and give nothing in return. We intend to take your money and give you everything… eventually. Besides, if we were a scam, would we have access to your bank records before you even applied? Check your balance. We’ll wait.
Q: The year is 2026. Are you still accepting applications via owl?
A: We have modernized! We now accept applications via quantum-entangled carrier pigeon and encrypted direct messages. Please ensure your drone is calibrated for the 5G mind-control frequencies before submitting.
I have a lot of questions about the history, the rituals, and the specific details of the organization. Where can I find more answers?
A: You ask excellent questions. They show a curious and active mind, the exact kind of mind we seek to recruit. However, the library of Alexandria burned down, and with it, the public access to our truth.
The reality is that all the answers you seek are not found in books or on websites. They are only revealed in the heart, during the initiation.
The time for reading is over. The time for doing has arrived. You can spend another decade researching conspiracy forums, or you can take the first step today and let the mysteries reveal themselves to you directly.
Stop asking. Start ascending.
